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Somethings Just Don't Make Sense.

I love my kitchen, not in any weird way just being in there is one of my happy places to occupy time. Yesterday was particularly satisfying in the way that only successful outcomes can be too. First time making hummus from scratch and it worked so well! Followed up with a Caprese Salad made from scratch (including the Balsamic reduction!!) so needless to say there was immense joy at being able to sit down to a dinner with my honey knowing I was presenting something good!



These are the moments I love, I spend a lot of my time stressing details and when something just clicks, I have to cling to it for a bit. It isn’t out of some desire to have the world stop and tell me how wonderful I am (that would just be super cringe and embarrassing,) but knowing that I put my work in front of someone that I care for and them enjoying the outcome is enough. This is where I get in a knot though, so bear with me as I explain why.

One side is happy, one side feels successful and validated. These are all good feelings and should be enjoyed, but then another side comes along. I become cripplingly embarrassed, unable to respond well to praise or thanks for the effort... and this leads right on to stage three. Wishing people would simply not notice in the first place due to my feelings of self-doubt, self-loathing, feeling that I don’t deserve the praise or happiness from the effort etc. etc. It’s a horrible rabbit hole, and has caused me to not even attempt to start tasks on occasion. How do you balance the desire to be told you did something good and the need to not be noticed? It’s a vicious circle I tell you. Yes ,I just made the hand gesture and said that in a funny voice in my head. I cant help it.



Swirling around in the circle of emotions is tiring, and yet I try to bury it and not have others see the conflict over the dilemma that I feel.

In other news, I have two very important events coming up. First, I am about to pass another workout milestone! I will share when it happens 😉 Secondly, I have to remain vague on this one, I have found a way to celebrate a year completed at a life course that I need to feel myself. While there are still a couple of months to go I have booked the moment already on the premise that I can see it through. With any luck the celebration will boost my confidence and help me see the me that I am heading towards rather than the me I was. I might even book ahead another year as a goal for the next twelve months if it goes really well!!!

I know I am rambling around some on this post. But I continue to swirl some from yesterday, and you can see how sharing that I plan to reach goals builds anxiety over the approach of the swirl again. With luck there will be a more coherent post on the way. For now though enjoy the pictures of my dinner distress!!


Jess



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