I can’t explain this week. It has made no sense. Things haven’t been any different, still at home, still staying safe from coronavirus and still talking to the dog while drinking large amounts of really good coffee. But something has been harder this week. I’ve felt exhausted most days, taken more naps than I care to mention and all in all just been a bit ‘eh’ far more than I like. It isn’t like this hasn’t happened before, when I have bouts of more intense depression etc., but I can’t put my finger on anything that would have started things.
For sure this week I have missed my dad more, this is normal at this time of year as I talked about in an earlier post, though that isn’t it. Just an almighty hide on the couch in my mind week. I wish I knew how to navigate my mind; it is like being trapped in a maze and not knowing how you got there or what the point is. Just endlessly hoping the next turn will be a good change. I even starting thinking I might need a puppy because puppies make everything better!! I’m still not convinced I don’t need a puppy even….
I discovered this week that I have an actual, real, cousin in Tennessee. They moved there years ago it seems with the goal of producing music. Something that they are living everyday it would appear. Its really nice to know that there is family out here after all these years of feeling like the only one in the whole continent. If it wasn’t for the existing world of virus and health concerns, I would be making plans to head that way very soon!
I want to be free of all the mental health mess, able to sleep on a ‘normal’ routine (I know normal doesn’t exist but bear with me), able to wake up and just enjoy my few quiet moments of morning sun with a coffee, rather than listing endless items in my head that I feel must be completed for unknown reasons. This is the dream state, one I don’t know how to achieve or where to search for. One of the parts I struggle with on a daily basis is seeing terms that describe how I live in a daily fashion turned into internet jokes or misused as a meme. I suffer from real, diagnosed obsessive compulsive disorder. This isn’t a gag about wanting things neat or straightening pictures, neither of those behaviours are even a part of OCD, this is a state of mind where I go through repetitive routines and behaviours in order to cope with stresses in my life. In my case I use numbers. Repetition of tasks or counting items until I feel right with what I am doing. Sometimes this means a simple item like changing lanes becomes a nightmare and will make hours of my day more difficult. But whenever I turn on the computer I find people laughing about how a crooked picture “sets off their OCD.” Yes, that upsets me. The term doesn’t mean that, and for those of us that live this life we don’t see the funny part of it. I don’t eat multi coloured candy because it is just too hard. Yes, really. I avoid certain places, towns, stores for no other reason than I know I can’t cope with being there. And people are laughing about messy cutlery or water spots, rather than having some compassion.
I am not trying to rant, though reading this post I might have slipped in there a little. I just need to dump some thoughts out as my head feels heavy with the ‘noise’ of everything. Sorry I have been quiet this week, I will do my best to be back here more often and more cheerfully!!